Impending meltdown... help appreciated!

[OneUnhappyDude]

I have this problem. It's a particularly weighty problem that is making me feel nauseous and extremely depressed day and night. I am a reasonably self-aware person, i believe, and I can recognise (partly by reference to this site: www.coping.org) that I have overdependence and attachment to my girlfriend. We have been going out for 3 years. Last christmas she finished with me unexpectedly and there ensued the most tortuous 4 months of my life to date... I had this constant feeling of adrenaline in my stomach which made me incapable of eating food. Gradually, over time, the physical pain subsided and i just felt deeply sad. You see, I was in love with her. In april, just as I seemed to be getting back on track, she came back into my life, and we seemed stronger than ever. We talked of marriage, children travelling the world and so on. We regularly tell each other that we are in love and that the other is the one we want. She now lives near me and we see each other often. She is struggling to find work and lacks direction and in the last few weeks old patterns seem to be re-emerging. The trouble is that she reacts very badly to pressure. The pressure that she feels is subliminal and caused by my failure to feel secure. My failure to feel secure seems linked to the suddenness of the previous breakup. It seems I am incapable of letting this event go, and by extension I hold on to her too tightly, seeking regular reassurance and illiciting this flight response in her. As you can probably imagine, a vicious downward spiral is imminent... and as of yesterday I started getting the stomach adrenaline nausea feeling, inability to eat or sleep, and my imagination has gone off the chart.

...i'm terrified, and exhausted. I feel overwhelming grief welling-up in me and I am unable to think clearly.

can timeline therapy help? I'm more than a little desperate.

[Simple Guy]

Dear Guest,

You ask if timeline therapy can help. With a competent, experienced
practitioner, it could be helpful, as could other modalities. But first, please
check in with your personal physician to ensure that there is not
a medical component related to the difficulties you are experiencing.
It is also important for you to begin working with a local counselor
or other appropriate helping professional. Please follow-through
right away. There won't be a better time to do so than right now.

[Terry (existing)]

Each time someone writes a post such as yours, we are faced with replying as if what is written is absolute fact, nothing left out, and nothing exagerated. This being so, it is often nescessary for us to point out some obvious fact which will not make our poster happy, but may contribute to them seeking proper help, or taking proper action to help themselves and those around them. In your case, I would relate your situation to a drowning man (you) clinging to someone trying to save him, (the girlfriend) and pulling both of them down by his struggles. She is not capable of saving you both, so you have a choice, let go of her so that she will not be drowned, and then you are left with two choices, learn to swim right now, or drown knowing you didn't bring her down with you. Nobody here has a magic wand for you, and no instant cure is available. We have no idea of what you real problem is, but it is obvious that it resides within and is no due to any outside influences including the girlfriend... She left you for self preservation, and may well be in love with you in some way, but fearfull of what you are doing to the relationship. Let go, and seek help NOW..... NLP, hypnosis. whatever, will all be of assistance to you in revealing the problem and helping you deal with it, but it must come from a skilled practitioner, and one who is local to you, so we can be of no further help from here....

[thesameunhappydude]

I am confused a little by your reference to a "medical component" - this would seem to suggest a dualism that I don't really believe exists. My physical symptoms are clearly linked to feelings of panic and loss... I can say this with some certainty because the physical experience emerges and relents in parallel with feelings of mounting panic and sadness.

I suppose my question is this: if, hypothetically, my inability to detach (in a healthy way) from my relationship is caused by the trauma of the previous breakup and the inherent sense of insecurity, would this be revealed and resolved by Timeline therapy? Similarly, if it is the case that my original reaction was overwhelming because of a sense of abandonment in my childhood, (like being sent to boarding school in a different country from the age of 7), would this be discovered by the process?

In the UK, GPs (physicians) prescribe prozac at the drop of a hat. I am a little reluctant to go down that road.

[unhappydude]

Sorry, you posted yours while I was writing mine. A fair point and well made. The analogy resonates somewhat.

Perhaps I can ask a different question which you may be able to help with: how does one gauge a practitioners skill before the first, and inevitably expensive, consultation session? Do you have any advice to help assess a practitioner's skill?

[Don]

Hi, Unhappy.

First, let me assure you that you are not the first person with this problem, nor will you be the last. You are not alone in your experience.

Second, let me stress that we cannot provide therapy in this forum. The space and time limits make it impossible, and even if it were technically possible, it would not be ethically possible.

Third, I would respectfully suggest that you are making a serious--very serious--mistake if you assume your self-diagnosis is accurate. It may be right, but why not leave it to someone who is trained in the subject? It's good that you can describe your symptoms, but that doesn't mean that your self-diagnosis is even close to accurate. Although you have only posted a small amount of words, I'm inclined to think that what you're describing is the "presenting problem" and there is something underlying which your conscious does not see. That is why your girlfriend is responding to, and if you are not able to deal in some ways with those issues, the result may be that she will leave you again.

Fourth, while you clearly see your symptoms as being only related to your mindset, it is possible, as Terry pointed out, that the cause could be anything from a chemical imbalance to something more serious. You should see a physician and ask for an exam. If he or she simply wants to prescribe a psychoactive drug, ask if you can try other therapies before going on drugs. I am not suggesting that you should in any way refuse the instructions of your physician.

Fifth: you're already puting limitations on yourself. You claim that the first consultation is "inevitably expensive." How many have you actually checked with to see if this is so? I think you may be surprised.

However, the way to find out if they have skill is the same way you would find out if anyone has skill: ask. Where were you trained? How long have you been practicing? What experience do you have with issues such as these? What professional organization are you a member of? What are your rates? Do they have an office or do they just use a spare room in their flat that doubles as a guest room for their mother-in-law when she visits? None of these will guarantee excellence, but they are indicators.

Finally, you're worried about the expense. While that is understandable, let me ask you this: how much are you worth? How much is your happiness worth? How much is your peace of mind worth? Will saving a few Quid make you happy as you become more and more depressed after your girlfriend leaves you again? Think about it.

[dude]

Thanks... candour appreciated.

Am I permitted to ask for a recommendation of a reputable practitioner in London - or is this against the rules?

[Don]

While this board cannnot recommend any person in your area, there are people here who will make suggestions. They are only the recommendations of the people here and may not reflect the opinions of the owners of this board.

[vimal]

I rarely post anything on this board - but if anyone has noticed I am I think one of the people who checks this forum the most. If you are looking for someone in london I definatley have someone in mind - he is a friend of mine, he is expensive - but you will be glad to know that he is Dr Bandler's apprentice.

I wont post his name here, as I dont know about the rules and regs, but if you send me a private message and I feel that this is for real I will have no problem in putting your name forward to him.

Let me know.

Vimal
'make the pictures smaller and push them away'

[Poodle]

I know of a very good school in Brighton with excellent practitioners. Maybe you could take a little day road trip and check them out. I know they are good but I am not into their kind of hypnosis (conversational hypnosis) but I have DVD's of it working wonderfully on people. I agree, first go to a Psychiatrist and if he finds nothing major wrong, ask for a referral for hypnosis or you can ask to combine the two if he is unwilling to go that far. I have also found England to be more open towards hypnotism and holistic medicine in general than the USA. One problem in psychiatric drugs are all the horrid side effects! I cannot think of one that doesn't have bad side effects. One great thing about hypnosis is no side effects! We all are probably getting more Prozac than we realize as it eventually ends up in our drinking water. No way to get rid of it!!

[Terry (existing)]

You ask if it is possible for us to recommend someone to you, and the fact is, that in most cases any recommendation we made would be no better than using the yellow pages, perhaps of less value, since direct contact allows for questions. For example, if you asked about a good practitioner here in Calgary, I could confidently name several, but when it comes to other cities, I only know names as a rule. It's a matter of ethics, if we aren't confident we are giving good information, it is better we give non at all....

[Poodle]

To use a little NLP "Sleight Of Mouth" language here: Can you afford NOT to go to a qualified hypnotist? The people in Brighton have a website you can check out and see if they would be for you. I believe it's www.unk.com (http://www.unk.com) I can recommend them as "good" as I personally would go to any 3 of them. ;)

[Aussie bloke]

I dont us PC's much so I hope this works. I have been a patient to both TLT and NLP with great success. How ever there was one major problem I had that just couldnt be rectified. You reminded me of it. It had alot of your physical symptoms. After alot of therapy it turned out to be nutritional. After taking a super high quality Meta B complex, I stopped all my panic attacks and adrenel rushes that would debilitate me. Just goes to show sometimes it not all in your mind like I intially thought, hence the therapy.

[MODERATOR'S NOTE: Merely because one nutritional solution works for one person does not mean it is universally applicable. The implication in the above post is that adding certain nutrients prescribed by the unnamed poster will help. This is a personal opinion and does not represent the opinion or suggestion of the owners of this forum or their representatives. We do not prescribe such treatments.

However, it does make sense to check to see if there are other causes to behaviors seen as a problem. It certainly make sense to consider going to a nutritionist and/or having a blood test to see if any nutrients are missing and which, when known, could be easily replaced.]

[magicgirl]

Unhappy - did you find someone in the UK? PM me if you haven;t

[Nigel H]

Hi there - I get the feeling you have thought a lot about your situation and considered various things that may be at the cause. I see it as a good thing that you have pondered the issue - and if only it were that easy to address the root cause !!

Time Line Therapy(TM) can certainly help in situations such as yours and it will also depend on your committing to the process. This does not necessarily mean to say that you will get back together with your girlfriend, since it is only possible to work on YOUR side of things, unless your girlfriend decides that it is something you are going to work on together and hence have a session herself (separate to you)............

As alluded to already, with the level of information you have provided it is impossible to say for sure what would come out of your treatment with regard to what any cause may be - that is only something that can be done face to face, in discussion with a detailed personal history - which a Breakthrough Session would give you.

I have no idea where you are based, but could help you find someone able to help you if you are willing to commit to moving beyond that old problem.

I get the feeling you are in the UK?!?!?

Cheers

Nig